birthday break up

ok so blah blah yesterday was my birthday. well it was beyond craptastic. patrick decided to tell me something while i was getting ready to out for my birthday that ruined it for me. ( he prefaced it by saying i don't know if i should tell you this but...) hey! dumbass if you every think maybe i shouldn't tell you this right now.....don't tell me right now.

so the rest of the night was spent crying and arguing, leaving and coming back. my birthday is my favorite day of the year. i love it. even when i'm getting old. i used to make countdowns and paper chains for it. it's bigger than christmas to me. but i ruined it. i let something get it the way of my happiness. yeah i wish patrick would've kept his mouth shut but my reaction wasn't what he was expecting.

i blamed him yesterday but i know he wasn't to blame at all. he wanted to take me out to dinner. he tried to get me to go and apologize for upsetting me. he says he understands why i got upset and maybe he empathizes with me but he doesn't really get it. this birthday was really hard for me. not only because 30 is approaching, but i have nothing to show for my life. ok i have a very expensive college degree from a school no body's heard of. i have a 3 1/2 year relationship that i fear is going nowhere quickly. which is why we broke up last night. now the thing with us is we alwas get back together so i'm sure we aren't really broken up. i guess i just love the jackass too much. it might not be happy and mooshy all the time but i still love him. i don't love a lot of things about our "situation" though. i know he doesn't either but boys are weird. they keep things inside and don't express any emotions. sometimes i can't help but think we are growing apart. that we're more like roommates. sometimes staying is just the easier choice.

song lyrics of the day:
everyday seven takes of the same old scene
seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine