yeah so tonight i experienced a severe low point. when on the phone with my mom who i love dearly i happened to mention that the guys next to me and across the hall were having a party. she said you weren't invited. and i said no i was but i'm not going to go. and she replied. you should go maybe you'd meet someone. now i was so taken aback by this statement i think i just sat there with a shocked look on my face and then said. i don't care i don't want to meet anyone and i'm not going. i don't know these people. i can't believe my mother who is always telling people (right in front of me might i add) that i'm not getting married any time soon. and i'm too busy to be worried about that kind of stuff. yet here she is pushing me out the door. i never thought i'd ever hear her say that. plus i don't want to meet a guy. i met a guy. and i like him. and until he A) gets a girlfriend or B) tells me to leave him alone i will continue to like him. that's how i roll. all through elementary school i had a crush on the same guy. from 2nd grade until he moved in 8th grade. i'm loyal damn it.
plus my birthday is this week. now if you know me well enough to experience the usually hype about my birthday i must admit i don't care about it this year. i think that since i turned 20 they have really gone down hill. maybe it's because my friends here don't care about me enough to make a big deal of my birthday--sorry to those of you reading it but it's true. we just don't really do the whole birthday thing. i don't know what i want and have actually produced tears over thinking about it. my birthday has stressed me out. normally i have a countdown, i have a list, i have a paperchain something to let everyone know how many days until my birthday. but not this year. although i didn't last year-but that was 21 it's a big thing on it's own. and well 20-that one seems to suck in general for people i know. maybe i'm just getting old. i don't know. of course i know what i want.......but i don't think rocker boy would agree to sending him UPS. maybe priority overnight.....but again probably not.
i haven't talked to him in like a week. which is ok i guess because i've been trying to be less available. but when he's the one who's never around it's hard for me to be aloof. god guys really fuck stuff up don't they.

song lyrics of the day:
i'm on my knees in fascination
looking through the night
and the moon's never seen me before
but i'm reflecting light