i'm ready for my close up

so i had every intention of seeing a billion movies while in omaha to save 2 bucks a ticket. however mother nature did not like my plan. while i have driven in the snow lots i don't like to do it in my moms car that doesn't have 4-wheel drive. also, my asthma was so horrible most nights i just wanted to go home and in jest enough liquid albuterol saline to be able to breathe. so i guess i will have to suck it up and pay 10 bucks a ticket. man i wish there was a dollar theatre here. (ps the dollar theatre isn't even a dollar anymore. we took the kids to the fantastic mr fox and it was $2 per ticket. still a considerable savings though.)

so here is my list of movies i am still wanting to see.
1. nine- love the musical, i've heard it's very different from the original. they cut like 7 songs and added songs and made characters more prominent. but i'm hoping daniel day lewis will not disappoint

2. the young victoria- there's a lot of oscar buzz for emily blunt with this movie. you may remember her from the devil wears prada, sunshine cleaning, and dan in real life

3. it's complicated

4. alvin and the chipmunks the squeakquel- i was supposed to see this with the munchkins but family drama prevented me from going. the kids and i were disappointed with me missing it. (i'll netflix it)

5. up in the air- even though i hate george clooney, our family friend is supposed to be in it. i'll go to see if her scene got cut or not.

6. leap year- i love amy adams

7. the lovely bones- it looks a bit trippy, my mom loved the book. i couldn't read it at the time because in the book the girl is a freshman in college and thats when i tred so it creeped me out. in the movie i think she's 14. go figure hollywood changed the plot.

movies i'm not sure about, but might see because of the golden globes ( some will have to be netflixed)

invictus- it doesn't look good from the previews, and dumb title

inglorius bastards- i hate quentin tarentino

a single man- although julianne moore has wretched taste in scripts

crazy heart

brothers

precious- i was anti seeing this in the theatre simply because i thought all the hype was just from the names. plus i was sick of seeing crap about it on oprah

a serious man

the messenger

wow i better get on it! the golden globes are swiftly approaching. plus i like to have seen at least half of the movies nominated because i like to know if the person really deserved it. ( well at least in my opinion) also, if i get a jump on seeing the golden globes nominees thats less i'll have to see when it's oscar time. plus the oscars are now doing 10 nominees. hello! they're haven't been 10 movies worth being nominated for best picture. most years they're are hardly 5. thanks for making the oscars a joke hollywood foreign press.

song lyrics of the day:
With your hand on my shoulders,
a meaningless movement
a moviescript ending,

self pity and guilt

guilt: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : morbid self-reproach often manifest in marked preoccupation with the moral correctness of one's behavior

it wasn't until i arrived back in california that i was overcome with feelings of guilt. spending the last two weeks in omaha was stressful, snowy, aggravating, fun, sneezy , and guilt ridden.

i feel guilty when i leave omaha and my family. looking into those crying faces of my niece and nephew breaks my heart. even know i'm crying while i know the kids have already forgotten i'm not going to see them for months.

seeing how happy people are to see patrick back and watching him with his friends makes me feel like i don't give him that kind happiness. the friends that are his, not mine. hearing them talk about life before me makes me uncomfortable. a feeling of being left out that i don't enjoy or often feel. when you are with a person you think of your life in stages the before you met and the after. i don't care about the before. sure i love to hear funny stories from childhood and drunken tales of college stupidity. but i don't want to hear about the times i wasn't there. the stories i didn't have the chance of being in. i'm sure to them i'm the intruder. the person who came along and made him leave. the person who keeps him far away. the party crasher.

while i have many things i want to do in my life, the older i get the more i want to go home. thinking of what our lives would be in omaha does not make me feel guilty at all. sure when you're home for a shot time you see everyone you've ever met, ( well that you still talk to) but when you live there it's another story. sure i love seeing my family but my mom and i can only get along without fighting for so long. i adore every chance i get to spend with taylor and brogan. they're who i miss the most. but i know i'll be sad when i leave but after a while i, like them, will forget how sad i was.

i say that i will move back to omaha when i'm ready to have kids, but what if i change my mind. i look at my oldest brother who chose not to come back. his kids don't really know us. i don't want that but at the same time i kinda get it. wow never thought i'd say those words. at the same time why should i feel guilty that i'm trying to do something i want to do. why should i feel guilty when other people make no effort to keep in touch? i didn't force patrick to come here. i didn't even want to come here.

california is the equalizer in our life. here all we know outside of work is each other. we both are in an unfamiliar places. we are both far away from home and from family. we are both broke.

i'm selfish-every one is sometimes. i enjoy being separated from all our friends in some sick way. i like knowing that i'm the one who gets to see patrick everyday. that i'm the one who knows him best now. (well i like to think i do) i always feel like i'm battling his past. they part of him i don't belong in. the part that makes me feel useless and unimportant. we have many fights over this. the feeling of being forced to choose between me and everyone else. maybe it's not a matter of choosing but getting the two to fit together. i on the other hand look at it as oil and water you can try and try but they never completely mix.

does getting a glimpse of the future make you want to prevent it? maybe. does that mean you're not currently in the right place? i'm not sure. but while i figure it out i'm going to enjoy my above freezing weather.

song lyrics of the day:
i hear your living out of state
runnin in a whole new scene.
you know i haven't slept in weeks,
your the only thing i see