babies, bling, bad attitudes

did you know that christmas is the most popular time to propose marriage? of course that is why i specifically have requested to not get engaged on a holiday. i don't want 6 other people texting me they got engaged too. i think in the past week i've found out about 3 people i know getting engaged. plus i have a close friend having a baby, along with 2 or so other girls i know that just had their first. one of my very good friends from high school has 2 kids and has been married for like 5 years already...has it really been that long since junior year of college. scary.

being home for the holidays always gets me thinking about getting married and having kids. it's just something about being around all these married couples that are buying houses and "settling down". part of me says i'm not ready to settle down yet and the other part of me says...well it would be nice.

i'm not one of those girls who's got a master plan with a timeline of when they want to have everything happen in their life, but as 26 quickly approaches i can't help but be a little disappointed with where i am.

when i was little i had a number in my head of when i wanted to get married. 25. that seemed like the year everything was going to happen for me. i wanted to be on broadway and get married and have a glamorous nyc life. in reality 25 has been pretty shitty. i finally got back in the same state as my boyfriend after being apart for a year and a half, i'm on the opposite side of the country as nyc. instead of being a professional dancer i'm a fat dance teacher who can't wait til just so i can quit one of my studios. i'm no where near what i thought my life was going to be. of course when your 8 you think you can plan things, then you realise you can't.

i always try to convince myself that i'm ok with where i'm at, but really who am i kidding. i totally want to be getting married. i don't want to have a kid right now but i want a big family so i don't want to wait til i'm 40. i know we can't afford to get married right now. i know we won't be able to afford it for a long time and i act like it doesn't upset me, but it does. then i tell myself if i didn't have my perfect ring picked out at borsheims i might stand a better chance of getting one. hey, i'm gonna have it the rest of my life i want it to be nice and i want to love it.

i want to be in nyc with all of my friends. i'm mad at myself that i didn't go there like i had planned. i hate going on facebook and finding out what my old friends are doing because i just end up getting depressed. facebook is evil. i wish i could clone myself. i'd send on clone to omaha and get a cute little house in midtown, and i'd send the other to nyc to have an overpriced shoebox apartment.

i know that you can't have it all but i still want it all. part of me thinks geez i'm getting old, in less than a month i'm going to be 26. the other part of me thinks i'm young, i'm only 25. maybe i'm suffering from a midlife crisis. you might think i'm too one for one of those, but i don't want to live to be 80 so actually the math seems about right.

i know that when you least expect is when things happen. my life from 2005 until now has been a perfect example of that. for a person like me that's a really difficult task. i'm the kind of person that would want to know when i'm going to die. i would take a look into my future even if i didn't like what i saw. i don't like the unexpected. i shake my presents and guess whats inside. (however if i find out i'm right i have been known to cry.) maybe if i could just get a vague timeline from the future. it wouldn't have to have events just dates, just something to look forward too from time to time.

song lyrics of the day:
i saw her today at the reception
a glass of wine in her hand
i knew she was gonna meet her connection
at her feet was her footloose man